Two faces, one happy, one melancholy,
What is it you hide behind those happy smiles?
What lurks beneath this sad expression?
To tell me would be pain for you,
To not is always pain for me.
A thousand stars shimmer in your eyes,
Your shyness keeps your cheeks red,
And this blush adds to the mystery of you,
What is it you would hide so valiantly?
A secret worth a thousand words.
My questions become rhetorical to me,
The ones in my head are those needing answers,
But these are answers that have to wait,
Wait until Iím strong enough to hear them,
Wait until I can only ask them.
Your perfection has flaws invisible to me,
I know no one is perfect and yet...
Yet I canít make myself believe youíre not,
So my misery builds on itself,
So I wait for you to come around.
I ponder my questions and poke at my life,
My life has become more so called than actual,
And my questions are kept at bay,
This mortal sees no fight to cause pain,
And would much rather inflict pain here.
Here is where my heart sits,
Here is where my heart is still,
It beats, I can assure you that,
But itís yearning is quiet and shy like you,
Iíve suppressed it these painful days.
I find that I wish for rain often,
Rain to wash away my pain for a few moments,
Rain to walk and dance in all day,
And rain to sleep to rest at night,
I know how much I wish for rain.
After all the patching I had thought Iíd done,
My soul begins to bleed again,
It flows like a river and stains my life,
Blood makes everything crimson forever,
And absolutely nothing can be right.
My eyes weep again but no tears fall,
I scream but the sound only echoes in my head,
My smile cracks into my soul to shatter it,
I only stay together because I bear these shards,
I allow them to bury themselves, so I bleed.
How can I cry with such a smile here?
Where does the good lie today?
Does the sun shine behind grey clouds?
Would it peak through the pitch black?
Will I find it someday in passing?
In these bleak times I hope for tomorrowís success,
I wander days and nights in automatic,
Hoping to awaken to myself or something else,
Once I believed you were the awakening key,
That my hidden self would reveal itself.
You were my light and my fire,
You burned brightly into my sleeping soul,
For a while you held my wounds shut,
And you even prevented more from coming,
You showed my faith to me.
As everything readied to get better,
You slashed a wound deeper than the rest,
A wound which stains the floor as I hit it,
As I lie here I watch it pool out,
And I feel its warmth as a comfort.
The death of my soul feels close again,
The cold of loneliness creeps over me,
Finally tears mix with blood and sweat,
And I rise out of my weariness,
Determined to recover from this fatal blow.
I toss my hair from my eyes,
I pass my hand over my newest wound,
I watch as it heals over, amazed,
There now is a fresh made scar,
A scar which wonít be soon forgotten.
I promise to be true to myself,
And to reclaim the repressed soul,
The soul which withers away,
And threatens to become nothing,
And I threaten to make it something.
These words heal each scar slowly,
Only the crimson stains remain in my world,
Only time washes away these horrid stains,
And I cannot forget the images of them,
But from them I will learn.
As I make my proclamations,
More days pass and you come round,
I know youíre coming back again,
I wonder if youíre coming to me,
Or to cause more pain on my soul.
A battered soul recognizes another,
And your eyes are a gorgeous blue,
But they betray your pain to me,
My renewing soul longs to be comfort,
Longs to shield you from cruel things.
But I know better than this,
Maybe you have no tricks, only false faces,
Iíve learned these faces now,
I may not see them right away,
Yet I quickly see through them.
What Iíd once thought of you,
Has become a faint happy memory,
What I know of you now is present,
You will not tear into me again,
I wonít bleed or cry over you.
You once were a saint to me,
One who was going to save me from myself,
Youíve become a creature to me,
Someone ready to lash out and slice,
To take my being away.
I am not so easy to trust you,
I cautiously walk past your threats,
I harden my heart against the need,
The need that aches to run to you,
I donít mind my loneliness.
This world holds a great many things,
Things alive, happy and embracing,
I turn and find Iím not alone.
And I strive to become happy in life,
What the future holds is not yet written.
And this lies unfinished,
But finished to the naked eye.